


Lost

by shiptoomuch



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mormon!Dex, Mormonism, Religion, Slurs, losing virginity, not endgame nurseydex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-12-10 23:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 20,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11702535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiptoomuch/pseuds/shiptoomuch
Summary: Growing up the way Dex did didn't hurt him, per se, but there are some things he just can't get out of his head.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey so this deals with some things that I think a lot of queer religious people deal with in my experience, and I'm not trying to bash any religions, I'm just exploring some personal shit.

Travis leaves Dex’s dorm room and he promptly rolls over in bed and _freaks the fuck out._ He’d invited Travis over. He’d been the one to take off his pants first. He wanted it all and he had a great time.

But now, about a half an hour after the fact, all that Dex can think is, _“What will my mother think?”_ because she’s going to kill him if she ever finds out. Travis is a guy that Dex barely knows, has only gone on two dates with him, and this wasn’t even planned, it was just a spur of the moment thing before Travis’ class because Dex woke up horny. He lost his virginity because he was horny.

He lost his virginity to a _dude_ because he was horny before class. Dex wonders if they’ll bury him in the family plot, or if he’ll have to find his own place to be buried before he is killed.

He can’t believe he did that, that he actually had sex on a random Thursday morning and now he’s just going to move on with his life. No marriage, no fuss, no _girl._

Growing up Mormon wasn’t all bad, Dex actually had fun at Wednesday night activities and he went to Seminary every morning. He was the picture of what a perfect Mormon boy should be. Or, he was until he turned down his acceptance to BYU and came out in an impulsive move right before he left for Samwell.

Now he’s just the biggest failure that ever came out of the Bangor ward. And that includes Jessica, who got engaged after meeting the guy four days previous. Last he checked, she was pregnant with their second child. 

Dex hadn’t even meant to come out, it had just been a rather annoying end of summer barbecue with the ward and people kept asking about missions and why Dex turned BYU down and why he was going straight to school instead of putting in his mission papers and why he broke up with his girlfriend from the neighboring ward and-

It just happened. He exploded and took out everyone around him. His parents didn’t even know ahead of time. He just ended up yelling at the Young Women’s president and storming out, thankful that he had driven himself. 

When he went home for Christmas, awkward didn’t even begin to describe it. Most people didn’t say anything, just acted like it wasn’t happening. Most people pretended he was still the straight boy they had known since he was _born._ Sister Davis, the one he’d yelled at, completely ignored him, but no one threw stones and no one kept their children away from him in too obvious a way. All in all, it was much better than the nightmares he’d been having since he was fifteen and realized that he liked boys. 

Nobody talked to him for too long, though, and nobody invited him over to have dinner with their families. Everyone treated him with all the familiarity of someone who just moved into the ward. His mother’s best friend leaned over to him in second hour and told him she thought it was a phase. 

He thinks it would have been easier if he didn’t believe in God, if the Mormon church meant nothing to him, but that wasn’t the case. He still believes in God and most things that he was taught at church growing up, but he didn’t think he was a bad person now for drinking coffee or occasionally getting slightly tipsy with the hockey team. He didn’t think it was horrible when Lardo wore shorts and crop tops. 

He didn’t think it was the end of the world that he had sex with Travis, who he might not ever speak to again, and that’s okay. When he finally takes his mind off his mother and really thinks about what he did, though, he can’t help but smile. That was fun. It was really _really_ fun. Dex is pretty sure when he looks in the mirror he’ll find a hickey the size of Montana, one the boys will chirp him to the ends of the earth for. It’s exciting in a stupid way. 

He scrubs at his face and wipes away the tears that are streaking down his cheeks, the voice in his head that sounds like his father saying _“I’m just worried you’re out of control, William. It breaks my heart.”_

He’s still freaking out a little bit. He knows that sitcoms would tell him to talk to his parents, but they won’t understand. He knows that church leadership would tell him to talk to his bishop and repent, but he’s not actually sorry about it. He doesn’t know what to do.

His phone buzzes with a reminder that Bitty is throwing a team brunch at noon. He looks at the clock: 11:40. He’ll be late but it’s better than sitting here with his thoughts. 

When he walks into the house at 12:10, the team is all circled around the kitchen table, practically piled ontop of each other as they grab at biscuits and gravy and fruit and eggs and practically everything imaginable. 

When he sees Nursey sitting on the kitchen island looking perfect and serene while he eats a banana, Dex considers turning back. Instead, he steels himself and pours himself a cup of coffee. He needs the comfort of being around the team, even if Nursey sets his teeth on edge in a way that he can’t quite assess. 

It’s Shitty who notices first. “Yo, Sexy Dexy, you seem tense. What’s up?”

Suddenly Dex can’t hold it in. He grips his coffee cup, breathes, and says, “My family is Mormon.”

He doesn’t have time to go on before Nursey is scoffing and saying, “Of fucking _course!_ God, why am I even surprised. Bits, you might want to leave the room because I have a feeling shit is about to get fucked in here.”

A flash of hot fury flushes through Dex and all he wants is to throw this cup of hot coffee at Nursey’s face. Instead, he puts it down a bit harder than necessary and turns to his D partner with a glare that could probably melt stone. “I wasn’t fucking _finished,_ Nurse. If you could pull your head out of your god damn ass for one second, you’d let me say that my family is Mormon, and I’m _gay_ so I could use some fucking support right now, you absolutely miserable excuse for a human being.”

It’s too far, he knows, but Dex is furious. He grabs his phone off the counter and shoves it in his back pocket, and heads for the door, all while wiping at the hot tears that are streaming down his face. He can’t believe he thought that would actually work out. He can’t believe-

“Hey, Dex, stop,” a voice comes from behind him just as Dex is about to open the door while he wrestles his backpack onto his back. It’s Bitty, and Dex can never be mad at Bitty, so he lets out a long stream of breath and turns around. When he sees his teammate’s face looking concerned, Dex can’t help but slump against the door in defeat. God, he’s so _tired._

“I want to go home, Bitty,” Dex says weakly. “I just…I need to be alone.”

Bitty laughs and shakes his head, putting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him in for a hug. “No offense, dear, but I think that’s just about the last thing you need right now.”

Dex finally lets the sobs out that it feels like he’s been holding in all morning. All of the guilt, all of the feeling like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, it all comes out in ugly crying while he’s awkwardly slumped against a man who is at least six inches shorter than him. Bitty wraps an arm around his back and places the other in Dex’s hair, playing with the short strands gently. “Shh, honey, it’s okay.”

“I had sex this morning,” Dex admits. He feels stupid as he says it, juvenile, but it feels good to tell someone. “I wanted it, I consented completely, but all I could think about afterwards was my mom. She would be so disappointed, Bits.”

Bitty pulls back and puts his hands on Dex’s shoulders. He looks at him with a confidence that defies his age. “It’ll be okay, sweetie. I know I can’t really talk much, ‘cause I’m not out to my parents either-“

“I’m out to them,” Dex admits. When Bitty gives him a look, he continues, “I came out to them, but I kinda…told them I wouldn’t ever date.”

“You told them you’d be celibate?”

“Well…yeah. That’s what they wanted me to do.”

“Oh, that’s...well.”

Dex nods and can’t help but snort. Sure, Bitty isn’t really saying anything helpful here, but it helps to just have someone know what he’s been going through. He hasn’t come out to hardly anyone except for the people back home in Maine, and it feels like such a relief to finally tell someone else. “I’m a fucking mess.”

Bitty cracks a smile and shakes his head. He leads Dex back into the kitchen. “Well, aren’t we all? Now sit down and eat some food, sweetheart, before you shake apart.”

“You’d better listen to him, Dex,” Jack says with a slight smile, “Bittle won’t relent.”

“I know, I know.”

“And just so you know,” Jack says, meeting Shitty’s eyes for a moment before turning back to him, “we’ve got your back. All of us.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for disappearing for so long! It was a crazy few weeks, but now I'm all settled in here in Paris, and actually have time to write again!

If Dex is being completely honest with himself, he’s not entirely sure what he’s doing here. He was good at dating girls, even if he didn’t particularly enjoy it. When it comes to actually dating guys?

He has no fucking idea how to do this. Who pays? Who drives? Who makes the first move for a kiss? His life up until this moment has been shockingly traditional, and now that all the rules are gone, he’s fucking terrified. 

He’s sure nothing big is going to come from his date tonight. It’s just a member of the swim team that he found on tinder (not grindr, like his previous makeouts and two hookups.) It’s just a first date as an out guy, it’s not a big deal. 

Luckily for him, Jonathan takes the lead on this one and tells Dex to meet him at the froyo place near the haus. No pickups necessary. As for the rest of it, Dex turns to their intrepid goalie for advice.

“I don’t know,” Chowder says while they lay on the floor of his dorm room and eat far too many Cheetos, “I mean, I’ve only ever dated girls. I think I’d like to date a dude, but I have less experience than you do, man.”

With no help from Chowder, Dex tromps over to the Haus to ask Bitty for his help, him being the only other openly gay guy on the team that Dex knows has dated. 

“Hey, Will! I thought you were going on a date tonight?” Bitty’s brow furrows as he turns from his studying (read: twitter) to look at Dex over his shoulder. 

Dex shakes his head. “Doesn’t start for an hour. I-ah-I had a question, and I thought you might be able to help?”

Bitty’s face turns pink and he shifts uncomfortably in his desk chair. “Uh, Dex, I haven’t actually…”

Dex squawks and waves his hands to cut him off. “I’m not asking for a gay sex talk! I’ve already done that, man. It’s…I have questions about dating. I don’t really know how to date guys.”

Bitty’s blush abates and he looks a lot more comfortable with those kind of questions. “Well, alright. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to help, since my experience is really minimal.”

“More than mine.” Dex shrugs and plops down on Bitty’s bed. 

“Fire away, then.”

“Who drives? Who pays? If I want to hold his hand do I just go for it , or do I wait for him to make the first move?”

Bitty frowns and his eyebrows pinch in frustration. “Not to sound too much like Shitty, but it sounds like you’re asking which one of you is the girl, which is stupid, because neither of you are.”

Dex snorts and nods. “Yeah, I guess that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?”

Bitty nods and laughs as well. “Yeah, I think so. But honestly, I’ve paid for every date I’ve been on, but just for myself. I’ve never been past a second date, though, so who knows.”

Dex is genuinely surprised. “Really? You always paid for yourselves?”

Bitty shrugs and frowns when he catches sight of Dex’s upset face. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing it’s just…” Dex pauses to scratch at the back of his neck, “I would have paid for you.”

“Well there’s your answer, then. Just do what feels right, Dex, I’m sure you’ll be fine. There are no rules, here, besides consent.”

Dex nods and bites his lip. He should get going soon, probably, but he doesn’t seem to be able to motivate himself enough to get off the bed. He groans and puts his face in his hands. 

“Something wrong, Dex?”

Dex looks up at Bitty searchingly. “When I was…before I came out, it was so much easier, you know? I didn’t enjoy it, but Mormon dating is _easy._ They literally hold singles events for teenagers, and I knew exactly what was expected of me.”

“And now you’re just lost?” Bitty pauses and waits for Dex to nod in response. “Trust me, hon, I know. I feel like that every day. I know everyone on the team thinks I’m some out-n-proud icon or something, but I’m new to this too.”

It’s comforting to hear, as much as it is sad. If anyone can relate to what Dex is feeling, it’s absolutely Bitty. And as much as he hates to think about Bitty constantly feeling out of place, it is comforting to know that there’s someone on the team who gets it. As much as he loves Shitty, he doesn’t think he can handle another rant on how he shouldn’t feel any shame whatsoever and that feeling that shame is bad. 

Dex finally leaves for his date fifteen minutes before he’s supposed to meet Jonathan and wonders to himself why he agreed to go get froyo at the beginning of March, when there’s still snowdrifts that are a ways off from melting. He shoves his hands in his pockets and ducks his head against the stinging wind. By the time he arrives at the shop, his nose and ears feel like they might fall off.

He’s only ever seen his picture online, but Jonathan is easily recognizable the instant Dex sees him. Somehow, he’s even more handsome than his profile. His skin is just slightly lighter than Nursey’s, his cheekbones far sharper than any he’s seen in his entire life. Dex pauses for a moment just inside the door. It’s clear that Jonathan hasn’t seen him yet, and the urge to run is strong. What if he’s not what he’s expecting? What if Dex looks that much hotter in his profile, and now his big ears and slightly crooked teeth are going to send this…this _model_ running?

Before he can run, though, Jonathan turns his head and sees Dex standing there. His face lights up into a brilliant grin and he raises a hand in greeting. Dex crosses the fifteen feet between them to stand in front of them. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Jonathan says around a grin, “Will, right? I’m not just talking to some random super handsome stranger?”

Dex’s face heats up at the compliment and he can hardly believe that he’s even hearing it. _Super handsome?_ “Yeah, I’m Will. It’s nice to meet you.” 

He sticks his hand out for a shake because he is actually the most awkward person on the planet. Jonathan, thankfully, only chuckles once before shaking it. His hand is big and warm and Dex is not prepared for this at all. Jonathan must be able to feel his hand shaking slightly, because he holds it in both of his own and says kindly, “Hey, don’t freak out. It’s just froyo, yeah?”

It’s not just froyo, but when Dex sees those brown eyes and that smile, he’s inclined to believe him. He follows him to get his yogurt, and flushes even more when Jonathan moves to pay for both of them with a wink. He manages to stutter out something about him not having to, but it’s summarily waved off with an, “I wanted to.”

All in all, it’s an amazing date. Dex tells Jonathan about his four siblings, and learns that Jonathan has one of his own. He learns that Jonathan is a music major, and has performed in concert halls before on the piano. Dex tells him that he’s not entirely sure if Computer Science is for him.

It’s perfect, and when Jonathan walks Dex home at the end of the night, he holds his hand and talking to him is so _easy,_ it’s like Jon really wants to get to know him. Dex finds himself opening up more to him than he ever has to anyone in his life so quickly. They reach Dex’s dorm on the other side of campus all too soon and Dex stalls outside of the door awkwardly. He stares down at his own ratty red converse next to Jonathan’s pristine oxfords. He doesn’t want this night to end.

“Hey,” Jonathan says, pulling him from his mind. He hooks a finger under Dex’s chin and tilts it up so they’re eye to eye. Jonathan is just two inches taller than him and it’s enough to make his heart stutter when he steps an inch closer. “Can I kiss you?”

Dex has been kissed before, has made out and had sex before, but none of that ever felt like _this._ None of that felt like his heart leaping up into his throat as he nods, and all of the tension in his body bleeding out when soft plush lips meet his own. He melts into the touch.

All too soon, though, the kiss is over, and Jonathan is stepping away with a small grin, one that looks more genuine and cuter than his other flirtier ones. Dex is considering inviting him in, but doesn’t get the chance. 

“I should go home, but I really want to see you again,” Jonathan says quietly, confidently. 

Dex can only nod for a moment before his brain catches up with him. “Yeah! Yeah, that sounds awesome. Want to come over and study on…Friday?”

It’s suggestive, he knows, but Dex finds that he doesn’t give a damn when Jonathan smirks and nods. “Yeah, I’d love that.”

Dex all but stumbles through the door, ignoring the odd look his roommate gives him when he flops onto his bed and lets out a dreamy sigh. Just on cue, his phone buzzes and Dex grabs for it, hoping that it’s Jonathan feeling just as amazing about the night as he does. He clicks open the screen with a grin that immediately slips off when he sees the contact there. 

Shit. His mother. How is he supposed to tell her?


	3. Chapter 3

It’s only been a week since he and Jonathan started dating, but Dex has seen him four times and has fucked him twice. When he’s around Jonathan, Dex feels comfortable, attractive, and _wanted._ It’s addictive, in a way.

He’s just leaving his Calc 201 class when he sees Jonathan standing there in a dark blue peacoat with a red beanie and a travel mug from Annie’s, the very same travel mug that Dex left at Jonathan’s two days ago. He grins in spite of himself and hurries down the stairs to meet him. 

“Hey there, Babe,” Jonathan says like it’s no big deal that he makes Dex’s heart pound out of his chest. He leans in and pecks Dex on the lips before handing him the travel mug. “I know you don’t like fancy coffees, but I got you a cinnamon coconut milk latte because they’re amazing.”

Dex surprises himself by laughing. This is exactly the kind of thing that would normally annoy the shit out of him, but when Jonathan is standing there grinning and looking so hopeful that he’ll like it, Dex can’t help his smile and take a sip of the ridiculous drink. The second surprise is that it’s actually _good._ It’s the exact temperature that Dex likes his coffee, and the cinnamon adds an extra kick to the coffee that actually brings out the flavor of the coffee, and it’s thankfully not too sweet. “Oh wow.”

Jonathan slips his hand into Dex’s and starts walking in the direction of Lake quad. “I thought we could hang out for a bit before you have practice. Is that cool?” 

Dex nods. “Of course.”

They end up sitting on the grass with Jonathan’s laptop next to them playing Empire Strikes Back. Jonathan is laying down with his head in Dex’s lap. He physically moved Dex’s hand into his short, tight curls to play with them, so Dex is scratching at his scalp while he pretends to read the book Bitty lent him a week ago. 

“Hey babe,” Jonathan rolls onto his back and smiles up at Dex, squinting in the fading sunlight. 

“Yeah, Jon?”

“Would it be cool if I came to your game next week?” Jonathan actually looks nervous asking him about it, bites his lip and grins at Dex in a way that is nothing short of cute. “I don’t want to push or be, like, a WAG, but I’d really like to see you play.”

The look on his face and the eagerness in his voice make Dex’s stomach flip. Jonathan likes him. He really really likes him, and it’s not something that Dex even has to question. The feeling is completely new but amazing. Even with Lily, who he’d dated for a year and a half and really had felt completely comfortable with hadn’t been as good as this. (That was probably because she was a girl and Dex was exclusively for men, but the point stands that she was his best friend.)

“Of course. I’ll buy your ticket. Do you want me to get some for friends?”

Jonathan grins when he says, “Well, aren’t you just the sweetest? And if you can just get two tickets, I’ll ditch Mary after the game.”

Dex grins and pulls Jonathan up to kiss him. “I can’t wait.”

-

“Bro, I can’t believe you’re actually dating Jonathan Holmes,” Holster says with an awed expression. “Seriously, who are you that your first boyfriend is the hottest guy in the music department.”

Dex’s face is bright red at this point, he’s sure, but he still manages, “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yet,” Ransom says without looking up from his textbook. 

“Yeah, seriously, you’ve seen each other practically every day since you started dating. It’s like love at first fucking sight, man. Why can’t I find a boyfriend like that?” Holster shovels pie into his mouth while he talks, little bits spraying out onto Ransom’s homework. Ransom just brushes the bits away without breaking stride for a moment, although Dex does notice a furrow appear between his brows. 

Dex’s phone pings with a snap from Jonathan that he doesn’t dare open because knowing him, it’s probably something that could get him fined. “I don’t know. We’re just having a good time right now. I really do like him a lot, though.”

Bitty waltzes into the kitchen just then and ruffles Dex’s hair. “Aw, my little frog is growing up.”

Dex ssmacks Bitty’s hand away with a laugh. “Fuck off, man. How many boyfriends have you had, again?”

“Oh my _god,_ shady!” Holster snaps and Dex resolves to block RuPaul on all platforms for at least a week. 

“Har har,” Bitty fakes his laugh and rolls his eyes. “See if I make brownies for the next month.”

Dex gives Bitty the kind of pout that he knows will work, and sure enough, it only takes about fifteen seconds before Bitty is breaking and laughing. “Fine! Fine, you win. Jesus, you adopt a few frogs, and suddenly you’re baking double time.”

Dex snorts and rolls his eyes at Bitty, but closes his laptop and stands up asking, “Can I help?” all the same. The grin that Bitty shoots him is wide and bright and Dex is insanely grateful to have him in his life. 

“Sure, hon! Mind mixin’ up a pie crust for me? I’m dying to use these bananas before Jack puts them all into protein shakes.”

“Banana crème?” 

“It was my favorite when I was a tot.”

Dex wrinkles his nose and sticks out his tongue. “Ew. You were a gross kid.”

“Hey!” Bitty squawks indignantly. “I was not! Banana crème is good!”

“Yeah, if you don’t have a tongue.”

“Rude and uncalled for.”

“Completely called for, since you’re making it.”

Holster clears his throat and catches Dex’s attention. “Hey, sorry to break up the party, but your phone is ringing, Sexy-Dexy.”

Dex groans. It’s probably Nursey locking himself out of his dorm _again._ “Is it Nurse?”

“No, says Daisy.”

Dex’s stomach clenches and he gets the distinct feeling like someone’s dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. He’s been specifically avoiding his family lately, not that any of them have actually reached out. It’s easier to not talk about his blossoming love life if he just doesn’t talk to them. He knows that none of them want to hear about it, after all. “Uh…hand it over.”

Holster does and Dex feels Bitty put a hand on his shoulder. “You don’t have to take it,” he says softly, just softly enough that Dex can hear. None of the rest of the team know how truly shitty things have been getting between Dex and his parents. He doesn’t want them too; the only reason Bitty knows is because he can maybe sort of imagine what that’s like. 

He very well might be heading for the same thing. 

He knows he doesn’t have to, but Dex takes the call. “Hello?”

 _“Will! Guess what?”_ Dex’s sister’s excited voice comes through the phone. 

“What?” He tries not to sound too impatient, but talking to Daisy and Lily can be exhausting sometimes. They are seventeen year old twins, after all. 

He hears an excited squeal through the phone before a rushed, _“Lily and I got softball scholarships to BU! We’re gunna be so close to you!”_

The breath that Dex lets out is less of a sigh of relief and more of a sucker punch to the gut. His sisters are going to be going to school in Boston. Twenty minutes away. They’re going to come see him all the time. He’s going to go see them. They’re going to know things about his life, probably things that he really doesn’t want them to know. “Oh, wow, congrats.”

It sounds hollow even to his own ears, but Daisy apparently doesn’t hear it because she barrels on, _“Oh, and since we’re going to be in Boston, Lily was wondering if you could introduce her to your hot friend?”_

“Nursey?” Dex rolls his eyes as he says it. Of course his sister has a crush on Nurse. “I guess, it might be weird though. We’re not exactly friends.”

_“No, not that hot friend, although I wouldn’t say no to a date with him. The absolutely gorgeous one who’s been in your snap story so much lately?”_

Jonathan. She means Jonathan. “Oh, I don’t think so, Daze. He’s-uh-he’s got a boyfriend.”

The sigh-groan that comes through the line hurts Dex more than he’d like to admit. _“Of course he’s gay. They’re always gay. Ugh, why is life so unfair?”_

She’s just being a teenager. She doesn’t actually mean anything by it. Dex knows this. He _knows_ this. Still, it hurts to hear her say things like that when she knows he’s gay. 

“Yeah. Uh, sorry Daze, but I’ve gotta go. Homework. Tell Lil I said congratulations, though, okay?”

_“Alright! Talk to you later! Love you, loser.”_

“Love you too.” The line goes dead before Dex can move to click it off. He turns to Bitty, who is watching him with wide eyes. He shakes his head. “Be glad you don’t have any siblings.”

“Dex-“ Bitty starts, but is cut off by a sharp shake of Dex’s head. “I think I’m actually going to make a blueberry pie. These bananas are too mushy.”

Dex gives him a half nod and even chances a quirk of his lips. “Thanks. Is it cool if I go study in your room for a bit? It’s a little loud down here for me.”

“Of course. You holler if you need anything.”

-

It’s a good game. A _great_ game. Dex has one goal and two assists and when he cellies for his goal, he points directly at Jonathan, who’s sitting glass side behing the Samwell bench. Jonathan blows him a kiss in response, which makes Dex want to celly all over again. 

After the game, and after Dex is showered and has his jeans on, the door to the locker room opens and in walks Jonathan, looking absolutely perfect, as per usual. Dex grins and tries for a cool saunter as he walks over to him. He’s not entirely sure he’s successful judging by the snicker that comes from Wicks. Whatever. He knows how good his abs look right now, and how low his jeans are riding. “Hey Jon.”

“Oh my god, that was so fucking hot, babe.” Jon says and pulls Dex in for a kiss. 

“FINE!” Ransom and Holster shout behind him and Dex can’t even be mad, because he gets to have this and it’s not weird or awkward or horrible. These guys are his family, and they’re excited for him, and that makes Dex even happier about it all. 

Jonathan gives Dex one last squeeze before wandering over to Holster and shaking his hand. They fall into conversation about the music department, presumably, and Dex lets them wanders back over to his stall to finish getting dressed. 

The only one who doesn’t seem thrilled to have Jonathan in the room? Well, Nursey isn’t surprised at all that it’s Nursey who’s sitting sullenly and focusing way too hard on tying his shoelaces. “Hey,” Dex nudges his shoe with his toe, “you played well.”

Nursey grunts and shrugs. 

“What happened to that English Major Eloquence?” Dex tries for a wheedling taunt but stops when he gets a glare in response. 

When he furrows his brow in confusion, Nursey just snorts and shakes his head. “Of course, you don’t get why I’m upset. You know, this is a real thing for some people.”

“What’s a real thing?”

“Being queer. Having a relationship. Being out. It’s real for some people.” Nursey stops and shakes his head. “You know what?” It doesn’t matter. I just feel bad for Jonathan.”

Feels bad for Jonathan? What on earth is Nursey talking about? “This is real for me, Nursey.”

“Sure.”

“It is! I’m sorry if I’ve been a little…excited…but this is new for me and it’s exciting. I’m allowed to be happy.”

“Fake, is more like it.”

“Excuse me?” Dex’s voice is racheting up and he knows that Ollie and Wicks can hear them and are paying attention to them. 

Nursey rolls his eyes and stands up from his stall. He slings his backpack over his shoulder. “Does Jonathan know what you’re _really_ like? Or does he only know this happy-go-lucky Billy Poindexter?”

“Fuck you, Nurse.”

“I’m just saying. I think you’re just messing around, and it’s kind of offensive.”

Dex’s stomach is boiling over and he can’t help but yell at Nursey this time. He doesn’t even have a second thought about yelling at his d-partner. “I gave up so much to come out and to come here. I’m allowed to be happy. You have no idea what kind of hell I go through with my family every day.”

“Well they’re religious assholes anyways, aren’t they? Why don’t you just ditch them?” Shitty pipes up from the corner. “We’ve got your back, bro.”

“I-“ Dex starts talking and freezes in his tracks. “I can’t be here right now. Jonathan?”

Jonathan looks frozen in place where he was talking to Jack. At the sound of his name from Dex, he hops into motion and comes over to him, grabs his backpack. “Yeah, let’s go. I think we all just need to cool off for a bit. I’ll see you all later, okay?”

There are a few goodbyes as they walk out and as soon as the locker room door closes behind them, Dex slumps into Jonathan’s arms. “Fuck.”

“Do I want to know what all of that was about?”

Dex shakes his head into the crook of Jonathan’s neck. “No. No you do not. Can we go to your place tonight? Nursey’s dorm is across the hall from mine.”

They’ve never spent the night together, only ever fucked during the day, but Jonathan doesn’t hesitate before he nods. “Yeah, babe. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit me up on tumblr @fabbittle!


	4. Chapter 4

Jonathan has a single, and Dex has never been so grateful for anything in his life when he ends up crying that night, shaking into Jonathan’s arms because all he can think about is how his parents hate him, and his team is going to hate him now, and nothing is going like he planned when he was younger. 

He’s worried that it’s too much, knows it’s probably too heavy so early in the relationship, and it terrifies him, but Dex can’t even bring himself to care. His fears all disappear a moment later when Jonathan turns toward him, tangles their legs together, and cups Dex’s face in his hands. “You’re so strong, you know that?”

“I-“ Dex can’t even find words so he just squeezes his eyes shut and presses his face into the hand that’s closest to the pillow. “Thank you.”

Jonathan rubs his thumbs over his cheekbones and leans in to kiss Dex on the nose. “Hey, I know this is fast, but I’m really falling for you, Will.”

“Really?” Dex doesn’t open his eyes, just whispers out into the darkness. 

“Really. Dex, will you be my boyfriend?”

This makes Dex’s eyes fly open. This is it. This is the moment that he dreamt about when he was eleven years old, in between bouts of guilt and trying to convince himself he liked girls, he would imagine a boy taking care of him, wanting him. “Yes.”

-

Wednesday nights are midweek team dinner night, and it’s one thing to go to practice with everyone after blowing up, but at dinner? He has to actually converse with them. It’s a personal connection outside of playing, and if he’s being honest, his playing has been all over the board this week as well. 

Jonathan offers to take him out that night, and the offer is tempting, but Dex knows this moment has to come. As much as spending time with Jonathan is the best thing in his life right now, the boys should be his family. He has to face them eventually. 

In his anxiety nightmares, a hush falls over the haus as soon as he walks in. In reality, Ransom and Holster do exactly what Ransom and Holster do, which is greet Dex too excitedly and immediately drag him into the kitchen. 

Bitty is not cooking, but is sitting at the table bent over a textbook and chewing on a pen. To say he looks frustrated is an understatement. Jack is cooking something that smells good, but clearly not as good as Bitty’s, and occasionally throwing chirps over his shoulder to Bitty with that smirk that Jack gets that says “I think I’m hilarious.”

Dex, lately, isn’t sure how to feel about Jack. He admires him, obviously, but there’s been a weird vibe between him and Bitty lately, one that makes Dex feel defensive in all the worst ways. It’s obvious that Bitty has a crush the size of the moon for Jack. Dex has been there. He was there for the captain of his hockey team freshman year in high school. But that boy never fed into it as much as Jack is doing.

Maybe Jack doesn’t realize what he’s doing. For Bitty’s sake, Dex sure hopes he doesn’t. 

A crash signals the entrance of the very person that made Dex so anxious to come here tonight. Nursey literally rolls into the kitchen, covered in leaves of lettuces. “Sorry, Jack.”

Jack doesn’t look at all surprised when he turns his head to see that Nursey has spilled the salad that he was assigned to bring in the group chat. Jack simply walks over, helps him up, and points him toward the fridge with a, “I think there are some tomatoes and cucumbers in there, and there’s balsamic in the cabinet.”

Bitty gives a soft clap and an, “I’ve taught you so well!” and Jack rolls his eyes. Dex…doesn’t love it, but they’re friends. He’s sure it’ll be fine. 

Nursey finally seems to notice that Dex is in the room, because he pauses in his cutting up cucumbers and stares directly at him. Dex raises an eyebrow. “Nurse?”

Bitty is also looking at Nursey, and seems to be rooting for him to apologize. 

Nursey looks down at his hands before looking back up at him. “So Bitty yelled at all of us as soon as you left.”

That’s…not what Dex was expecting to hear. “What?” He looks over at Bitty, who has his mouth open in a gape and is a soft shade of pink. 

“Yeah…and when Bitty yells at you for something, you know you fucked up.”

Dex hums in agreement. 

“So I’m sorry, man. I guess I just come from a very different place from you, and I don’t really get…you. At all.”

“I don’t get you either, man,” Dex says with a shrug. It’s true. “But I am gay, dude. You know that, right? I have a boyfriend and everything.” Dex ignores the squeak from Bitty beside him. 

“I…yeah.”

“Well that’s settled!” Bitty slams his textbook shut and pops up from his seat. “Jack, what are you making?”

“Homework, Bittle.”

“Well that doesn’t sound like a good dinner. Let me help.”

Jack laughs and tries to object, but eventually gives in, letting Bitty come and stir the sauce on the stove. “It’s vodka sauce, because we never seem to run out of Svedka.”

Things in the kitchen outside of the Jack Bitty bubble are…tense, to say the least. Nursey keeps glancing up at Dex while he chops, and Dex is beginning to be seriously worried that he’ll cut the tip of a finger off. “Stop looking at me, dude.”

“Sorry.”

Dex gets up from the table and takes the knife from Nursey. “Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” He chops the cucumber quickly and dumps the pieces into a bowl with the already cut tomatoes. 

“This is weird.” 

“No shit.” Dex rolls his eyes.

Nursey huffs and leans against the counter. “You don’t have to be a dick.”

“You mean like how you didn’t have to be a dick after the game?” Dex raises an eyebrow at Nursey, who opens his mouth and shuts it with a click. “Yeah, that’s what I thought, man. What was that even about?”

Nursey chews on his lip before taking a deep breath and saying, “Being gay wasn’t really a big deal growing up for me. I guess the fact that you and Bitty talk about it all the time sort of rubbed me wrong.”

“But you didn’t flip out on Bits.”

Nursey shrugs. “I guess he’s just so…obviously gay. It made sense for him to talk about being queer.”

“So I’m not gay enough.”

“I-“ Nursey starts but then cuts himself off. “You just look so straight, you know? And the Dex that’s dating Jonathan is so different from the Dex I’ve known almost all year.”

“I’m happy now. I’m really happy, Nursey.”

Nurse gives Dex a long look and furrows his brow for just a half second before nodding. The crease in his brow doesn’t go away. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess you are.”

-

Dex is officially freaking out. He’s been dating Jonathan for all of three weeks, they’re well on their way toward the frozen four, and finals are rapidly approaching. He’s got a million things going on at once and he’s stressed beyond belief. 

Oh, and Jonathan’s parents are in town for his mom’s birthday. And they want to have dinner with him. On her actually birthday. So that’s going to be fun. 

To say that Dex feels like he’s going to crack is an understatement. He’s lying on Bitty’s floor while he does a programming problem set and Bitty reads his history textbook. He finishes up his last problem and rolls onto his back to let out a truly dramatic groan. “Bitty, I’m dying.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

“Oh my god. What’s wrong, William Jacob Poindexter?”

“What if his parents hate me?”

Bitty leans over the side of the bed upside down so his hair flops up in a true pompadour. He should try to style his hair like that upright. He blinks his big brown eyes at Dex and-he assumes, it’s hard to tell from this angle-raises his eyebrows. “Dex, you’re wonderful. You’re smart, capable, and unbelievably handsome. They’re going to love you. Anyone would be stupid not to.”

Dex opens his mouth to respond, but his phone rings to interrupt them. He fishes it out of the pocket of the pants that Bitty picked out-they’re so tight-and glares at the screen. “Hey, Lily.”

_“Hey big bro, did you watch the new episode of Game of Thrones?”_

“No, not yet. Playoffs and stuff.”

_“Awesome! Do you want to watch it together on Friday? I can set up a rabbitcast.”_

“Sorry, Lil, I can’t. I’m having dinner with my boyfriend’s parents.” Dex’s heart is pounding. He hadn’t made the decision to do that. Why did he do that?

_“Oh. Um…okay.”_

Dex feels like he’s going to throw up. “I’ve got to go, I’ll talk to you later?”

He hangs up before he can get a response and looks to Bitty with wide eyes. Bitty, for one, has flipped over so he’s sitting upright on the bed, and looks just as shocked as Dex feels. “Will, honey, what just happened?”

Dex frowns and taps out a text to his sister not to tell his parents about that. “I…I don’t know. I guess I just wanted someone to know. I’m so tired of the closet, Bits. I’m so fucking tired of pretending I’m not happy right now and in a relationship that’s starting to feel serious. I just want everyone to know how happy Jonathan makes me.”

“You really care about him, don’t you?”

Dex nods. Jonathan is one of his best friends. There’s no one else he’d rather spend time with and talk to about this kind of thing. Hell, he’d be with him right now if it weren’t for his homework. “Yeah, I really really do. I think I’m falling in love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dex, my sweet sweet baby gay. You are so young....


	5. Chapter 5

Dex has accepted that things with Nursey are never going to be good. He sees him every day, they work well together on the ice, and they’re friendly, but they’re not friends. That’s okay with Dex, honestly, because Nursey doesn’t seem to understand Dex at all, and it’s exhausting to have to justify himself to people all the time. 

He’s been noticing Nursey talking to Bitty a lot more, which he thinks is good. Nursey needs that bit of guidance from someone who won’t yell at him like Dex definitely would. 

Speaking of justification, his sisters have been trying to ask about his love life to be cool about it, but he can tell neither of them really knows how to be cool with it. He can’t really blame them; Maine is not exactly the most diverse place on the planet, and they don’t really have any experience with gay people. Mormons tend to socialize with other Mormons, and the twins don’t know what they’re doing. He’s trying to be patient with them. _Trying_ being the operative word. 

They’ve had a few fights, and Dex has cried more than he’d like to, but things aren’t bad. They’re a whole lot better than they could be. They’re better than a lot of people he knows, or has at least heard of. It’s a lot better than Bitty seems to think his coming out will go, whenever he gets the nerve to do it.

It’s easy to forget that Bitty isn’t out and proud in every aspect of his life. He’s so open and bubbly and excitable that Dex sometimes forgets that they’re really not that different. Bitty comes from a small rural town with heavy Christian influence, and he’s built up a personality around himself to protect him from getting hurt, which is exactly what Dex has done, except that his shield is a lot angrier than Bitty’s, who protects himself by making people like him. 

They’re in the middle of the frozen four, and everyone’s defenses are starting to crumble. They’ve already outplayed two teams, and are heading into the semi finals. Dex is sure they can top Minnesota Duluth, but he can see the fatigue in everyone’s eyes, including his own. He thought playoffs in high school was hard, but this is a whole new world that he was not at all ready to face. 

He reminds himself that they just have to keep pushing a little bit more, and they’ll be there. They’ll get Jack that championship that he _deserves._ He’s carried this whole team and brought them so far, and now it’s their turn to help him get that title. Not that Dex doesn’t want it for himself, but he has three more years after this. 

The frozen four tournament is unreal. They’re in providence for it, and the stadium is absolutely packed with fans from all over the country and Dex realizes this is really his only chance to see what Jack’s life is going to be like after Samwell. Hell, this is probably exactly what it’s going to be like. Jack says he’s undecided on a team, but if the way he takes Bitty’s opinion so much into consideration is anything to go off of, it’s going to be Providence. 

The night before they play Minnesota, an exhausted Bitty flops down on his bed and groans. He and Dex are roommates for this roadie, and Dex has found it incredibly comforting to be around him. Something about Bitty just makes him feel _good._ He wants to bottle up that feeling and keep it forever. “Dex, if I die, will you speak at my funeral?”

“Should I invite your parents? ‘Cause I don’t know if I can give a straight eulogy for you.”

Bitty snickers and snorts. “Invite them, but feel free to gay it up. Can’t disown me if I’m dead.”

“Do you really think they’ll disown you?” Dex frowns and looks over at Bitty. His hair is mussed and still damp from his shower. Dex wants to run his fingers through it, but he’s not entirely sure where that’s coming from. 

Bitty shrugs. “I don’t know. Sometimes I think they love me too much to do that, but then I remember all the things my dad said about marriage equality when I was a tot, and the way my mom gets upset about ‘everything being about gays lately’ and I think they probably won’t be too keen on it.”

Dex hums. He doesn’t have to ask what Bitty’s parents said, because he already knows. He grew up around the exact same things. His dad still talks like that, despite saying that he “completely supports his son.”

Dex might only be nineteen years old, but he’s not that naïve.

“Your mom was really nice when I met her at parents’ weekend,” Dex supplies, if only to give Bitty that little bit of hope. It’s true, she was far nicer than Dex could ever remember his mom being, but maybe that’s just a southern thing.

“I love her dearly, she’s my best friend, but she’s old fashioned at her heart, and her _sisters…_ well, my fears aren’t totally unbased. 

“I’m sorry.”

Bitty shrugs again and sits up. His hair sticks up where he was laying on his back on the mattress. It’ll be an untamable mess if he doesn’t fix it, so Dex hands him his comb. “It’s fine. Besides, it’s not like you have it so easy, either.”

“Yeah.”

They go to sleep after that, and Dex looks over at Bitty’s bed until his eyes can’t keep themselves open anymore. He looks so _small_ laying there. It’s easy to forget that Bitty is short, because his personality fills a room nearly to bursting. When he’s sleeping, though? He looks smaller than Dex even thinks is possible.

-

They beat Minnesota in a game that felt almost too easy, and afterwards, Dex’s blood is singing. They’re going to the finals, it’s happening. In two days, they’ll face off against North Dakota, and possibly come home champions. 

Jonathan calls him the night before the game, and they talk for two hours. Dex misses him like a limb. Part of him wants all of this to be over so he can just take a nap in his arms. Toward the end of the second hour, Dex hears someone laugh in the background. 

“Who’s that?”

_“Oh, it’s just Laz.”_

“Laz?”

_“My best friend since middle school? I know I must have mentioned him at least once.”_

Dex frowns. “No, you haven’t.”

Jonathan hums through the line. He sounds…off. Dex can’t quite put his finger on it, but something about him sounds sadder than normal. He’s probably imagining things. If something was wrong, Jonathan would tell him. That’s just the way they are. 

_“Are you excited for the game tomorrow?”_

“That’s one word for it. Another word would be so nervous I think I’m going to puke.”

 _“That’s eight words,”_ Jonathan responds without missing a beat. He sounds so smug about it. 

“Ha ha, you’re hilarious.”

_“I know. You’re so lucky to have me as a boyfriend.”_

Dex sighs and smiles at the ceiling. “I really am.”

There’s a silence then that feels heavy, pregnant with something that Jonathan wants to say but isn’t. Dex thinks he knows what it is, he’s been thinking the same sort of thoughts lately too. 

_“Hey, uh, I’ve got to go. I have a test in the morning.”_

Oh. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later.”

_“Good luck on the game. Bye, babe!”_

“Bye, babe.” Dex hangs up and sighs at the ceiling, trying to will himself into sleep. The sound of Bitty’s shower in the background is a good soundtrack for it, at least. He’s so nervous, he feels like he could run a marathon with all of this spare energy he’s willing his body to get rid of. 

It all happens tomorrow.

-

Despite what some people might think, Dex isn’t horrible at losing. He’s used to it. He grew up with four siblings, and he was never the strongest out of all of them. He’s been losing fights and contest since he was born. He knows how to keep going after a loss. 

But even being the most gracious loser in the world couldn’t have prepared him for the feeling when the buzzer runs out and green confetti covers the ice, for Jack hanging his head and holding his helmet loosely in his hand, covered in sweat and looking like he’s never wanted anything more than to take back the last 20 minutes of play. 

_Fuck._

It’s over. He’ll never play with Jack again. Sure, Dex is still at Samwell, but it’ll never feel like this again. The team will be different next year. New freshman, no Shitty and Jack, new schedules to have to memorize. It’s never going to be like this ever again. 

He can’t help but start crying as he walks into the locker room. He wishes they were at Samwell, so at least he’d have the comfort of their home locker room to make him feel better. Nursey pats him on the back and Dex doesn’t have the energy to shake him off.

He wants to be angry. He wants to break his stick over the bench in his stall and yell that nothing is fair. None of this is fair. He wants to release all of his energy through screams and fighting. 

He sits down and starts stripping off his gear the same way he has since he was eight years old. His throat feels constricted around himself, so that he can’t even make words.

Bitty meets his eyes across the locker room and he smiles. It’s fake, but it makes Dex feel better all the same. They break eye contact and Dex watches the other man realize that Jack has disappeared from the room. Dex isn’t even sure he saw their captain enter the room with them. 

Bitty pulls on his sweats and slides on his Adidas sandals, and then he’s gone, probably in search of Jack. Dex really hopes that whole thing works out for him.

On the bus ride home, Dex texts Jonathan, who tries to comfort him as best as he can. Dex is tired, but he’s craving physical attention, so he asks if he can come over to Jonathan’s when he gets back to Samwell.

 _Of course_ is Jonathan’s response, and it makes Dex smile. _See you soon_

Dex slumps off of the bus. It’s just about midnight and every part of his body hurts. Jonathan lives not too far from Faber, though, so Dex makes it there in seven minutes, hurried along by the itching desire to see his boyfriend and get some sleep. 

Dex knocks on his door and Jonathan opens it looking sleep rumpled and adorable. Dex reaches out to grab his hand as soon as he sees him. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Jonathan says softly. His mouth quirks up softly and he pulls Dex inside. “Come on.”

Dex cries again once they’re situated on Jonathan’s bed with Netlfix playing softly in the background. Dex rests his head against Jonathan’s chest and sighs out. He lets his hands wander over his boyfriend’s body, tracing nonsensical patterns over his muscles through the worn sleep shirt he’s wearing. “Thanks for letting me come over, babe.”

Jonathan sighs. “No problem. I’m sorry you didn’t win.”

“It’s fine. I’ll be fine. At least I’ve got you, yeah?”

Another sigh, and Jonathan is moving so that Dex is no longer able to lean on him. They lay side by side in the darkness and suddenly Dex is struck with the realization that something is _wrong._

“Can we talk?”

Dex’s breath catches in his throat and he nods just barely enough for Jonathan to see. “Yeah. Of course.”

Dex’s heart is pounding so fast that he can barely hear what Jonathan says, but it definitely isn’t good, and it ends with “I just need to learn to be alone, Dex. Being with you…it’s keeping me from growing. I can’t do this anymore.”

Dex doesn’t have words. He feels like he’s licked a nine volt battery and been dumped in a vat of ice. He sits up without even thinking about it and wraps his arms around himself, his back to Jonathan. 

“Please, Will, can you say something?”

It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make any sense. They were _happy._ Dex was more happy than he’d ever been in his entire life and Jonathan was dumping him? Completely out of nowhere, after one of the hardest night’s of Dex’s life, it’s all over? He doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t understand how Jonathan can throw away what they have like it means nothing. He doesn’t know what to say or to do or to think. 

He stands. “I think I should go.”

There’s a rustling of sheets and suddenly Jonathan is beside him, a hand on his shoulder. “Will, I-“

Dex shakes off his hand, even though the loss of contact feels like a punch to the gut. “No. I can’t stick around and talk about this. You don’t want to be with me anymore, let’s just leave it at that. I should go.”

“Will-“

“I should go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrug emoji*
> 
> "Wow anneliese that breakup seemed super sudden?"  
> Yeah. Shit like that happens sometimes and you'll never know why and it'll drive you insane for the rest of your life. #justgirlythings
> 
> "Nursey is being kinda an ass"  
> Nursey isn't a bad dude, he's just not used to dealing with people from suuuuuper conservative backgrounds who are also gay, so he doesn't know how to act, and he's got a lot of growing to do. He's only nineteen, after all.


	6. Chapter 6

A week after Dex has arguably the worst night of his life, he heads back up to Maine. It’s easter, and he lives too close to get out of being with family, so he hops on a train on Friday evening with a backpack full of clothes and a stomach full of dread. He’s not sure he can handle the awkwardness of being around the Poindexter clan right now.

At least he literally won’t be _allowed_ to talk about Jonathan there. 

The one good thing about this is that Bitty is coming along for the fun. He’d remarked about how weird it was not to celebrate Easter, and Dex invited him up to spend it with his family, because apparently he’s some sort of sadist and if he’s going to be miserable, he doesn’t want to do it alone. 

Bitty holds onto the pecan pie in his lap with a death grip the whole ride up there, and doesn’t talk to Dex. He’s grateful for that. He hasn’t been in a very conversational mood right now and he doesn’t want to end up snapping at Bitty. So they sit in silence for the whole two and a half hours while Dex simultaneously rehearses conversations in his head, and tries to convince himself that he doesn’t need to do that. 

The twins are at the train station in Portland to pick them up, driving what used to be Dex’s truck, but now has been passed down to them. It hurts his heart to think about, sometimes, especially after all of the work he put into that shitty machine to make it run. 

The girls don’t offer to help with Bitty’s bag, but they do take the pie from him and coo over how good it looks. They ask him to teach them to make pie crust, even though Dex _knows_ that Lily hates baking and Daisy is better kept away from the oven for fear of losing their house. 

They sit in the backseat for the hour long ride, talking softly to each other when they’d usually be looking at their phones, but the reception in Maine is spotty at best, so the great social media savant Eric Bittle is left in the dark ages. 

Fifteen minutes out from the house, Daisy clears her throat while she drives and says, “Dex, no offense, but you probably shouldn’t have brought him.”

Dex raises his eyebrows in shock. “What? Why?”

“Well, he’s your…isn’t he? You can’t do that at home, Dad’ll flip.”

Dex expects Bitty’s eyes to be wide with shock, but instead he’s got them squeezed shut like a kid afraid of thunderstorms. He turns his head away from Dex and leans his forehead against the window. This was a bad idea. Bitty shouldn’t be subjected to this. 

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Dex snaps. He’s trying desperately to keep his voice even, but he knows it isn’t quite working, “I got dumped a week ago by Jonathan, not that you care.”

Daisy doesn’t even really pretend. She just hums and shrugs. “Well even if he isn’t, I don’t think Dad is going to be thrilled about you bringing him along.”

“Bitty is nice.”

“Yeah, well, he’s not exactly _like Dad,_ is he?”

“Why does that matter? You’re being rude to my friend.”

Daisy hums again and shrugs. The conversation is over, apparently, because Lily reaches over and turns up the radio again, a song that Bitty would normally be singing along to coming through the speakers loudly. Bitty doesn’t move. 

With only a bit of hesitation, Dex reaches out and puts his hand on Bitty’s back. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I didn’t know they’d do that.”

Bitty stiffens, shrugs, and turns to look at Dex. “I was expecting it,” he murmurs back, just low enough to not be heard over the music, “but it doesn’t make it good.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine. Not your fault.”

It _feels_ like it’s his fault. Like he didn’t do enough to gently sway his family more liberal when he was younger, so now he’s put himself and Bitty into a horrible situation that he could have prevented. He shouldn’t have invited Bitty up. He should have just come alone, even though he desperately didn’t want to be alone with his family right now. 

The rest of the drive is silent between the two of them. Dex listens to the music his sisters are playing and wishes desperately for this weekend to go quickly because he’s not really sure how much of this he can take if he’s already feeling exhausted. 

He carries their bags into the house, where his mother, Sandra, is obsessively dusting the china cabinet like she always does when they have company. She notices them when Dex drops his bags on the ground and she scurries over to them to hug Dex.

She’s lost weight since last time he saw her. She always seems to be fluctuating sizes, but staying soft, and it’s strange for her to be so small in his arms. He pulls away and looks over to his father, who’s sitting in his chair and hasn’t looked up from his phone. He hasn’t lost any weight, and is still far larger than his wife. 

“Hi, Dad,” Dex says with a nod. He shoves his hands in his pockets and waits for him to notice.

Sam Poindexter puts down his phone and looks at Dex in an incalculable day. Dex never would have described his father as incalculable when he was younger, but things have definitely changed in the last year. “Hi, son. Who’s your friend?”

Dex almost flinches at the question, and he’s not sure why, except that it feels like more than what’s being said. “This is Eric Bittle. He’s on the hockey team too.”

“Nice to meet you, Sir, Ma’am,” Bitty says with a small grin. He sticks his hand out for Dex’s mother to shake and she doesn’t pull him in for a hug, which is odd. 

“You’re on the hockey team?” Sandra asks. Dex groans internally. 

Bitty, ever gracious, just says, “Yes I am! I know, I’m small and southern; people don’t usually think of me when they think of hockey.”

“Yes, and you’re so...” Sandra trails off and her eyes flick over to Dex, “Well you’re just so _sweet.”_

-

The ocean is dark during the day, but at night, it looks like the world’s been flipped upside down and he’s looking down at the sky. When he was seven years old, Dex used to imagine boats sailing across the sky, and asked his dad if there were lobsters in the celestial kingdom. 

Bitty is sitting on the pier with his toes in the water. When he’d first sat down next to Dex and toed his shoes off, he’d exclaimed at the cold. Now he’s either used to it, or his toes have gone numb. Dex is fairly certain he’d be complaining more if his toes were frozen, so he’s not worried.

“I’m sorry about my family,” Dex says softly. The weekend has been an absolute bust, with small comments and odd looks and the most uncomfortable Easter ever. They’re heading back tomorrow morning, and Dex can hardly wait for it. Not even Bitty’s pies could save it, even though everyone found them just as delicious as usual. 

They liked him, they were friendly, but Dex felt the whole thing started to go downhill the moment Bitty mentioned Lardo, and Dex’s mother asked him if she was Bitty’s girlfriend.

When Dex said no, she’d asked _why not._

“It’s fine. I wasn’t expecting it to be great.” Bitty kicks his feet in the water and splashes a little bit. “Dinner was good.”

“Yeah, we always eat Shepherd’s Pie for Easter.”

“Because Jesus is the Shepherd of our souls?”

Dex lets out a surprised laugh and shakes his head. “That would’ve been good, but no, it’s because my dad served his mission in England.”

“Cool. Will you serve a mission?”

There’s no way Bitty knows how sensitive that question is for Dex, so he swallows down his annoyance and shakes his head. “No. I don’t want to, and while they might preach some marginal acceptance, I don’t think they let gay dudes serve. Or gay girls.”

“Really? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by that.” Bitty tilts his head to the side and the moon glints off of his hair. Somehow, he looks just as good at night as he does during the day. Dex wishes he looked good at any time other than just after dawn when he’s out on the water. 

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry,” Bitty says, and his voice is full of emotion, like he’s close to tears, “I hate that you’re going through this.”

“it’s nothing.”

“I just care about you so much, and I-“ Bitty stops and shakes his head, “Sorry.”

It’s pure impulse that makes Dex reach over and put his hand over Bitty’s. It’s not romantic, it’s not anything besides comfort, and when Bitty turns his hand over so their fingers tangle together, it feels like something inside of him is loosening. It feels good to be out of that house, to be doing something that his family would _hate_ to see, even if it doesn’t mean anything. It’s nice to have someone who gets it. “Thanks for coming this weekend, Bits. I know it hasn’t been easy.”

“You know what? I’m glad that I did.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG.  
> But honestly I've been in a really weird place emotionally, and am still in that weird place???? I'm a mess and it's been weird.   
> But I went on vacation last week and it helped! So I wrote some stuff! I hope you like it!!!!

Watching Jack and Shitty kiss the ice is surprisingly even more emotional than Dex expected. This year has been such a big change for him, and as much as he’s going to miss the seniors, he’s pretty sure he’s really mostly sad that the year is over. The seniors can (and will) visit, after all, but in a week, Dex will be back home again. It’s daunting, to say the absolute least. 

It’s cold up on the roof of Faber, even with the little camp fire they’ve got going. Dex has had two beers and is feeling light and soft and happy, even with Nursey sitting next to him, listing slightly to the side so that his head is almost on Dex’s shoulder.

Their relationships is still strained, but Nursey has been trying, Dex can tell. Dex has been trying, too, to understand him. There are some differences between them that might be too big for either of them to traverse, but they’ve been getting along as much as they can lately, and Dex has enjoyed it, so when Nursey’s head does drop onto his shoulder, he doesn’t shake him off. 

Bitty has fallen asleep already, he dropped off about an hour ago. He’s wrapped in Jack’s jacket, comically large on him, and leaning against the older man, who looks down at him with the softest look that Dex has ever seen on Jack. 

Suddenly, he gets it. “He deserves someone great.”

Jack looks over to him with a raised eyebrow. He nods and purses his lips. “He does.”

“Someone who’s proud of him. He’s had to deal with a lot of hiding and a lot of bullshit,” Dex continues. He’s not entirely sure why he’s saying it, but he feels like it needs to be said. If Jack goes for this…he has to do it right. 

Jack frowns and runs a hand through his hair. “He’s amazing.”

“Yeah…he is. I don’t want to see him get hurt.” Dex is being too protective, he knows. Bitty is older than him, and has a good head on his shoulders, but he’s so _good_ that Dex can’t help but want to shield him from any possible hurt. 

Jack’s mouth has twisted into a frown and his eyebrows are furrowed intensely. He looks like he does before a power play when they’re down by two in the third period. He shifts slightly, and Bitty’s face wrinkles up for a half second, but he stays asleep. “I don’t want him to get hurt,” he murmurs. It’s the most honest Dex thinks he’s ever seen Jack be. 

“Then don’t hurt him.”

Jack opens his mouth to respond, but just then, Shitty and Lardo come back from their run for burgers, Lardo listing into Shitty’s side as she walks, bottle of wine clutched in her hand. Shitty has a greasy bag that smells absolutely amazing and he holds it up with a grin. “We’ve come to save the day!”

Bitty and Nursey wake up at the shout and Bitty rubs his eyes with his hands in an almost alarmingly aggressive manner. Dex has seen it before, of course, but it’s always surprising and a little bit funny to see Bitty looking like he wants to take his eyes out of his head when he wakes up. “Lord, Shits, it’s just the seven of us. Is the yelling necessary?”

Dex glances over to where Chowder is curled up in a ball with his jacket as a pillow, fast asleep. If he hadn’t seen him sleep in the haus in the middle of the day, Dex would be surprised that he’s not awake. “Should we wake him up?”

Nursey grunts and shrugs. He’s never been good at speaking after sleep, so his voice is scratchy when he says, “Dunno. Is he hungry?”

“How could I possibly know that?”

“You guys are like…friends.”

Dex rolls his eyes and shoves Nursey away. “You’re friends with him too. Why don’t you read his mind?”

“Well that’s just ridiculous.”

“Ugh,” Dex groans as he pushes up from the ground to go ask Chowder if he wants to eat, “I hate you so much.”

“I know.”

-

As weird as watching the seniors kiss the ice was, watching them graduate is a million times worse. Dex is struck by the finality of it all: the walking across stage, the caps and gowns, the knowledge that this is it. 

Even more, he’s struck by the neatly packed boxes he knows are waiting in the Haus to be carted away, stacked right next to Chowder’s, which are going to be unpacked soon. Everything about the team is changing and it seems like just yesterday Dex was touring Samwell for the first time. 

Dex stands with his hands awkwardly shoved in his pockets while he watches everyone mill about, crying and laughing and taking pictures. He feels out of place, somehow. Chowder left for California yesterday, and Nursey is involved in a game of tag with Ransom and Holster, so Dex is left to stand and watch while Shitty and Lardo take selfies. 

Just to the left of them, Dex can see his best friend’s heart breaking. Bitty is biting his lip and clearly trying to keep tears back. When he reaches up to fix Jack’s tie for him, Dex is sure something’s going to happen. Jack does have some sort of feelings for Bitty, this is his perfect moment to make a move and _try._

Instead, Dex watches them awkwardly converse and hug before Bitty turns away and wipes at his eyes, probably muttering some half assed excuse about needing to get ready to leave. He starts walking toward the Haus, so Dex jogs to catch up with him, glad for the excuse to leave without it being weird. “Hey, are you alright?”

Bitty shrugs and wipes at his eyes. He visibly shakes himself before putting on a smile. “Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just being silly, is all.”

Dex wants to tell him that he’s not being silly, he’s not being stupid, but they’ve never talked about this. It’s remained an open secret between them that Bitty is over the moon for Jack. It’s something they don’t talk about because it’s painful for Bitty. Dex isn’t going to force it. Instead, he wraps an arm around his friend’s shoulders and pulls him in close. “It’s okay to cry, I think.”

“You are the _last_ person I’d ever expect to say that, William Poindexter.”

“I know, I’m allergic to emotions, but I think this is justified, yeah? So go ahead and cry, and I’ll just look at the geese.”

Bitty does cry most of the way back to the Haus, quiet tears that would be undetectable to anyone listening if not for the occasional sniffles. Dex keeps his promise and stares at the scenery, only looking once or twice at Bitty to see those tears streaking down his face. 

He knows what it’s like to be in love with a boy and suddenly have all possibilities of it ripped away, he knows how hard it can be when you suddenly realize that you have to move on now because there’s no chance of it being fixed. It’s probably the worst thing that he’s ever felt, and he hates that Bitty is feeling it now. 

Dex doesn’t hate Jack, but part of him wants to when he thinks about how Jack knows, how Jack has some ill-defined feelings of his own. He wants to hate Jack for letting this opportunity slip through his fingers, but he can’t, because he knows Jack, and he knows that Jack is a good guy, and there are just some things he can’t do. 

Bitty’s things are already packed up to leave, but his shuttle doesn’t come for another hour, and his fingers are clearly itching to do something when they get back to the Haus, so Dex suggests they start unpacking Chowder’s room. Bitty agrees, and puts his headphones in while they hang up pictures and fold clothes and make this space that used to be Jack’s into something new. Dex can hear his sad playlist coming through the earbuds, playing so loud that he couldn’t hear Dex if he said anything. “Bitty, I-“

Dex is cut off by thundering steps coming up the Haus steps. Whoever it is pauses in Bitty’s doorway and curses softly before turning to the room they’re in and sighing. Dex doesn’t turn around. It probably isn’t anything too important, maybe Shitty forgetting something, or wanting to give Bitty one last goodbye, or Jack coming to his senses at last. 

What he isn’t expecting is for a hand to grab him by the shoulder and spin him around. Dex hardly has two seconds to process the fact that it’s Nursey standing there before a pair of chapped lips are pressed to his own. 

Dex’s hands come up to Nursey’s elbows instinctively and he kisses back without thinking about it. Before he can think better of that, it’s over, and Nursey is standing there looking disheveled and smiling hopefully. Dex doesn’t know what to say, so he keeps his mouth shut. 

It’s almost a relief when Bitty practically shouts, “I’m sorry, but what the _fuck?”_


	8. Chapter 8

“I guess I…I like you, Dex.”

“And you forgot how to use your words?” Dex is completely aware that he sounds hysterical right now. He is also acutely aware of the fact that he doesn’t care. 

“I want us to be friends.”

“Kissing someone randomly isn’t the right way to make friends, Nurse.”

Nursey groans and rubs his hand over his face. “I know! I just…I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I thought about not seeing you over the summer and I….freaked out.”

“That is supremely stupid.” Bitty finally speaks up from where he’s been standing next to Dex with his arms crossed. He’s glaring at Nursey like he just kicked a puppy, and his voice is sharp when he speaks. “Honestly, what did you think he was going to do? Fall into your arms after a year of being at each other’s throats? After you questioned if he was actually gay?”

Nursey looks extremely uncomfortable. He shifts his weight back and forth and frowns. “I don’t know. I guess I didn’t really think it through.”

“Shocker,” Bitty spits back. Dex puts a hand on his shoulder to calm him down and keep him from actually jumping Nursey, to which the blond responds with a very put-upon sigh. “Whatever, I should go outside. My shuttle is going to be here in ten minutes.”

Bitty leaves and Dex watches him go, finally letting out a breath and letting his shoulders slump when the front door to the Haus slams shut. He turns back to Nursey with a bewildered expression. “Look, Nursey-“

“It’s fine,” Nursey cuts Dex off with a nervous laugh, “it was stupid. You can just forget it.”

Dex heaves another sigh and hesitates for a moment before putting his hand on Nursey’s shoulder. Nursey only winces slightly. “Look, I’m just confused. You spent most of this past year being a dick to me.”

“I didn’t-“

“Yes, you did.”

Nursey shrugs and nods. “Yeah, I did. That was wrong, though. I shouldn’t have done any of that, and I’m so sorry. Dex, I want to be…something.”

“Something?”

“Yeah, something.”

Dex crosses the room to plop onto Chowder’s bed. He runs a hand over his face in frustration and groans. “Look, it’s not that I don’t want things to be better between us, Nurse. I do what that, but I don’t think it’s fair of you to kiss me and expect me to want that too.”

Nursey’s voice is small when he says, “Yeah, you’re right.”

Dex feels like a dick for saying it, even though, logically, he knows he shouldn’t. There’s nothing wrong with him being hesitant to be anything with Nursey, not when Nursey has been such a dick all year long.

But-

Lately, the guy’s been really making an effort. He hasn’t said anything shitty about Dex or his parents in the last few weeks, and has even been…nice. He’s been joking around and helping Dex with his papers and it’s been good. 

“We can be friends, though. We can try that,” Dex says in a tone that feels like he’s also trying to convince himself that this could work. He looks over at Nursey again, who has a small smile on his face. Dex nods to himself. They can try this.

Nursey’s smile quirks up when he sees the nod. “Yeah, I’d like that. Friends.”

-

Dex wasn’t prepared to be friends with Derek Nurse. He thought that it would be just a few texts shot back and forth awkwardly, and maybe sitting next to each other at team breakfast when the school year started again.

What he was not expecting was Nursey to show up on his doorstep at the beginning of July with a cocky grin and a “my parents are renting a house half an hour away, isn’t that weird?”

They spend that afternoon hanging out and walking around the small “downtown” of Dex’s town and it’s weird. It’s _so weird._

Dex calls Bitty. 

_“He just showed up? Jesus Fucking Christ.”_ Dex can here Mrs. Bittle scolding Bitty for his language in the background, followed by a screen door slamming. _“Sorry, I just popped outside. That woman.”_

“That woman?” Dex snorts out a laugh. “You mean, ‘just my best friend in the whole world?’” Dex’s southern accent is horrible, but it makes Bitty laugh.

_“She is! But lord, one day she’s going to have to accept the fact that I am an adult man who knows the word ‘fuck.’ It’s not like I’ve never heard her say it.”_

“I’ve never heard my mom say it.”

_“Really?”_

“Yeah, Mormons, remember?”

 _“Not even when she’s had a few too many sips of wine at a family reunion?”_ Bitty’s voice is light and he chuckles like he’s remembering his own mother doing exactly that. 

“Mormons,” Dex sing-songs. “Seriously though, Bitty. He’s in Maine for the next _month._ What am I supposed to do?”

_“You did say you two were going to be best buds now.”_

“I did not say that. I said friends.”

Bitty hums. _“Well, you’ve met Nursey. For all he says he’s chill, he’s kind of realy intense. He probably_ best buds _even if you didn’t say it. I say you just hang out with him a few times. Can’t be worse than hanging out around your family all summer, yeah? Doesn’t your older brother come home in two weeks?”_

He’s right, of course. Dex has been a bit miserable in the awkward non-war zone that is his family home recently. His only real respite comes when he works on his Uncle Jeremy’s boat. Uncle Jeremy left the church years ago, and is really the only relative who doesn’t seem to care at all that Dex kisses boys on the regular. With Bobby, Dex’s older brother, coming home soon…well, it won’t be fun. 

Dex really doesn’t want to talk about that, so he changes the subject. “Jack’s coming to visit you soon, yeah?”

Bitty sighs on the other end of the line, and it sounds like every other heartbroken sigh he’s been giving since last October. _“Yeah, I still can’t believe Mama invited him out without even telling me.”_

“It’ll be fun to see him.”

 _“Yeah.”_ Bitty laughs nervously. _”Hey Dex, can I tell you a secret?”_

“Is the secret that you have a giant crush on Jack?” Dex asks casually. 

Bitty’s inhale is sharp and Dex almost feels bad about stating it outright like that. _“You know?”_

“Bits, you’re, like, my best friend. Of course I noticed.”

 _”Oh.”_ Bitty says dumbly, and Dex can imagine his face screwed up in sadness and frustration, _”So then you understand why I don’t really want Jack to come tomorrow.”_

“Yeah, I get that. But he’s still your friend, yeah?” Dex asks. He picks at a hangnail on his thumb and bites at it when his fingers do nothing. “Just be his friend.”

_“You’re right. Is it stupid that I kind of thought he was going to say something at graduation?”_

Dex shakes his head. “No, it’s not stupid. I kind of thought he was going to, too. I really thought he liked you, Bits.”

 _“Please, don’t,”_ Bitty says, and it sounds thick. _”I’d rather not think about the possibility that he just doesn’t think I’m worth it. Easier to just assume he doesn’t feel that way.”_

“Yeah.”

 _”Look, I’ve got to go. I’ve got some crust chilling in the fridge, and I think I need a good stress baking session before tomorrow.”_ ”

“Okay. Call me if you need anything.”

_“I will. Bye, Dex.”_

-  
In between hanging out with Nursey and working on the boat, Dex calls Bitty. It gives him another excuse to get out of the house and avoid the way his brother glares at him when he thinks nobody is looking, the way his parents are still walking on eggshells when they ask about Samwell. 

Bitty tells him about Jack’s visit, how hard it is to be around him sometimes, and how he wishes he had the courage to just do something. It’s not until Jack goes back to Providence that he really calms down about it all, and starts talking about other things like summer camp and new pie recipes. 

Dex tells him about hanging out with Nursey, and the farmers’ market in town. He smiles when Bitty laughs at his story of almost being maimed by a particularly angry lobster. It’s nice.

After the initial shock of it all, it’s surprisingly easy to slip into some sort of friendship with Nursey. It’s easy to take him to his favorite café with the best clam chowder on the eastern seaboard. It’s easy to bump his shoulder and almost knock him over when Nursey makes some dumb pun. It’s easy to just…talk.

They see each other almost every day that Dex isn’t working, Nursey coming to the door with a different excuse as to why his parents don’t want him around that day. 

It’s almost eleven on a Saturday, and Dex is sitting on the pier wishing he’d brought a jacket with him. No matter how hot it gets during the day, this is still Maine, which means once the sun sets, the wind off the sea takes over. Next to him, Nursey is pulling his clothes back onto his damp skin after an ill-advised dip into the icy water. “I told you it was cold.”

“You did not sufficiently warn me,” Nursey counters with a groan. “That was fucking _icy.”_

“I told you not to do it.”

“Ugh, whatever. You know what I could use? A beer. Do your parents have any beer?”

Dex looks at Nursey like he has three heads. “Nurse, my parents don’t drink.”

“What? Why?” Nursey stares at him for a solid three seconds before his mouth falls open, “Oh yeah, because of…that.”

“Yeah, that.”

“Can I sleep over tonight?” Nursey asks apropros of nothing. “It’s fucking late and I’m way too tired to drive home.”

Dex bites his lip and shrugs. “I mean, you can, but if you sleep over on a Saturday, you have to come to church on Sunday. Parents’ rules.”

“Oh, um-“ Nursey pauses awkwardly. “Okay. Will people be weird about it?”

“If by weird you mean unnaturally nice, then yeah. People will be super weird about it.”

“Cool. Yeah, let’s do it. Take me to church, Mormon Boy.”

Dex has half a mind to shove him back into the water.

-

Sitting next to Nursey during sacrament meeting is more uncomfortable than anything Dex has ever done, and that includes the first time he passed the tray along instead of taking the sacrament, and felt his mother’s glare the entire time. Nursey cannot _sit still_ and keeps fidgeting and folding his program into smaller and smaller squares. At one point, he leans forward and puts his head in his hands like he’s going to fall asleep. 

Dex elbows him in the side and hisses, “Can you act like an adult, instead of a twelve year old boy?”

Nursey huffs out something that can only be described as halfway between a laugh and groan, but he sits up anyways. “Fuck off, Poindexter.”

“You can’t say that in here!” Dex looks around them, panicked, to see if anyone just heard his friend drop the f-bomb in the middle of the chapel. He’s already the gay one, he doesn’t need to make things _worse_ for himself here. 

Sunday school is, of course, a lesson about the importance of Temple Marriage, which leads up to the third hour combined meeting of adults where the bishopbric talks about _the law of chastity._

Nursey is snickering at the beginning of the hour, but by about fifteen minutes in, he looks sick. Just about as sick as Dex feels. He hates fifth Sundays, because it’s always something like this. Why can’t they just talk about faith or missionary work? Why can’t Dex go one Sunday without feeling like he wants to jump out of his skin?

The hour ends, and Dex can see the missionaries eyeing him, so he grabs Nursey by the collar of the shirt he borrowed from Dex and starts dragging him toward the door before they can deal with more of this shit. He’s glad he at least had the forethought to drive separately from his parents to church today. 

He’s tearing down the road going far too fast when Nursey finally says, “No offense, man, but that was…shit. That was total shit.”

Dex groans and pulls off onto a more secluded road, pulls over to the side, and puts the car in park. “I know it was, Nurse. I know it was. You basically just got the worst case scenario that I could’ve come up with if someone asked me ‘what could happen if you brought Derek Nurse to church with you?’”

“I’m sorry, man.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m still sorry. I mean, not to be that guy again, but that whole religion thing is kinda bullshit. Kissing someone won’t send you to hell.”

Dex looks up and over at Nurse, who’s watching him with nervous but caring eyes. He’s only vaguely aware of himself when he puts his hand on Derek’s shoulder, leans in, and asks, “Is this okay?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: the f slur is used at the end of this chapter

Robert “Bobby” Hyrum Poindexter is the child that his parents have always wanted, and they pride themselves on having gotten it right on the first try. Right out of the gate, first child, absolutely perfect.

Within two months of his sixteenth birthday, he was not only made the captain of the varsity baseball team at Bangor High, he was also named First Assistant in the Priests’ Quorum at church. He was a tall child, having hit six feet by age fifteen, and gained muscle to match it, making him look absolutely dashing in his Sunday suits and ties. 

At age eighteen, he received an athletic scholarship to BYU Provo, and later, his mission call to Argentina. He completed his mission, was a trainer for a large part of it, and attended BYU two years after graduating high school, with a short haircut, a fair amount of muscle in his shoulders, a spot on the baseball team, and a declared major in engineering. 

That was a year before Will came out of the closet. 

They were close before that, best friends and nearly identical, if not for Will’s large ears and slightly crooked teeth. To say that things have changed since Billy snapped and stumbled out of the closet, blinking in the sunlight and throwing punches, would be an understatement. 

You see, Robert Poindexter just doesn’t understand it, any of it. He doesn’t understand how Will could think it was okay to come out at a church party, how he could think it was okay to come out at all. He doesn’t understand the fact that he likes boys. He doesn’t understand how he can come home on the holidays and look their mother in the face like none of this is a big deal. 

He doesn’t understand why their parents let Will do this.

-

Once it happens, it’s easy for Dex to flip the switch in his relationship with Nursey. He’s already been using him to work out his frustration for the last year, and this is really just an extension of that. Every time he gets that itch under his skin that tells him to run away, he drives to the ridiculous ocean side house that Nursey’s moms are renting and pounds on the door until Nurse drags him in and makes him feel like he’s outside of his own skin for a while. 

It’s subtle, the way they treat him, but Will notices it. He sees in every little flinch when he lets something about his life slip that isn’t _decent._ He hears the way his sisters seem to want to ask more questions but never do. He sees the way Bobby looks at him.

 _Bobby._ There was a time in Will’s life when Bobby was the most important person in the world. He looked up to him for everything. He wanted to go to BYU, to have a pretty (but always oddly nondescript) girlfriend, wanted his parents to look at him like they were filled with pure, unadulterated, pride. 

And Bobby wanted Will to be just like him, too. They were only three years apart in age, and Bobby was the picture of a perfect older brother. He taught Will how to throw a ball, how to fix a car, and even was the one who suggested he join the peewee hockey team. He always ruffled Will’s hair and told him he was _proud_ when Will won the spelling bee, scored a goal, or got a B on a test that he’d been stressed out about. 

Well, things change, and that’s just life. 

Nowadays, Will can’t help but notice that Bobby won’t touch him. Won’t even get close enough for it to happen on accident. He’d heard stories about family members acting like this, of course, of being afraid that their gay family member was also a pervert who would try to turn their own relatives and that their sexual depravity was contagious or something. Will just never expected it from his older brother.

He should have known, in hindsight, that Bobby would be upset about it. He used to tease Will about baking with their sisters, poked fun endlessly when Will let his hair grow out a bit at fourteen, calling him a _girl._

It had never seemed malicious back then, though. It was just who Bobby was. He made jokes that were a little mean but always loving, and he was a good older brother. Will loved him.

Will _loves_ him. 

But now it’s more obvious, the things that Bobby covered up with charm and smiles and light punches on the arm when Will was still closeted and terrified: Will isn’t welcome if this is how he’s going to be. He’s not Bobby’s kid brother and best friend anymore. He’s not someone he’ll introduce to his friends with chirpy insults and proud recounting of his achievements. 

He’s not _Will_ anymore. 

It’s almost enough to drive him insane, so when he gets those feelings, he goes to Nursey and works it out, makes himself feel good to assure himself that this is okay; he’s not making a huge mistake by living like this. They fuck in his truck, in Nurse’s stupid little city car, in Nurse’s bedroom, in Dex’s, in the Poindexter’s toolshed, in the bathroom of a gay bar they have to drive an hour to get to and that they use fake ID’s to get into, pretty much anywhere they can get a semblance of privacy. 

He doesn’t tell Bitty, though he’s not sure why. It’s not like they don’t talk about how Dex feels being around his family, or about how much time he spends hanging out with Nurse. He just…avoids it. Says he can’t wait to get back to Samwell in August, says that he’s kind of glad Nurse is here. 

Nurse’s moms know, of course, and Dex is pretty sure they think they’re in love, but Dex always laughs and shakes his head when they say things about the two boys being boyfriends. They’re not dating, they’re just friends, friends who fuck when Dex is upset.

Friends who fight a hell of a lot. It seems like they can hardly make it two days without them fighting about something: food, cleaning Dex’s car, finances, or, more typically, the Poindexter Family. 

Nursey makes his blood boil, and Dex is fairly certain that he hates him, but they guy is also a great friend and he gets it, sometimes, when Dex talks about being so angry that people think they can treat him like this just because of something outside of his control. Dex thinks that after Bitty, Nurse might be his best friend. 

At the very least, he knows when to let Dex stew in his anger, and not try to comfort him. They get along well enough, and it’s enough to make Dex feel better while he’s up in Maine trying to sort shit through with his family. For three weeks, it is amazing.

When they’re not fucking, they’re usually laying out on the pier behind either Dex’s or Nurse’s house, taking in the meager amount of sunlight and talking about hockey, the next school year, or music that they both like (it’s not a lot, but Nurse’s taste isn’t completely shit.)

Dex still cringes away from his family and his friends in Maine. He doesn’t want to have to deal with the fact that where he used to feel like he fit somewhat, he now feels either too big or too small or just plain _wrong._ He can see the way the high school girls see him and break out into fits of whispers, watches the boys they’re with cross the street and glare at him. 

Even the people who support him make him feel out of place. People who used to just know him as Billy or Will who liked fishing and hockey and working on the lobster boat now go out of their way to talk to him, to tell him they support him. Nothing is the same in this stupid town, and it’s all because of him. He no longer fits in with the people around him, he’s either the depraved liberal or the gay icon, and neither of those are things he really wants to be. 

Dex is only wearing his boxers and his left sock, and has his mouth attached to the side of Nurse’s neck when Nurse whimpers out, “Will.”

Dex stops and pulls away. “Don’t,” he says, his throat suddenly feeling thick, “don’t call me that.”

“What? Call you what?” Nurse is confused, probably has the right to be, and the look on his face might be cute if Will didn’t feel absolutely ripped open by hearing his own name. 

“Will.” Dex runs a hand through his hair and climbs out of Nurse’s lap. He looks around on the floor for his shirt and pulls it over his head, first inside out and backwards, but fixes it as soon as he realizes. Nurse is still looking at him like he has two heads. “I know it’s fucking stupid, but with my family…and you’ve never called me that before.”

“So you’re leaving?”

Dex has one leg in his pants at this point. “Yeah, I’m leaving.”

“Because I called you Will.”

“Look, you don’t have to fucking understand it, I don’t actually care if you get it, but I’m not fucking you right now.”

Nurse is up off his bed in a second, standing in front of Will with crossed arms and a frown. “You think that’s what I’m worried about? Getting my fucking rocks off? While you’re clearly having some sort of breakdown?”

Will shakes his head and tries to shove past Nurse to get out the door but is stopped by two hands on his biceps. “Can you just fucking let me go? I don’t want to do this.”

“Why won’t you tell me shit? Why do you always avoid the fucking topic?” Nurse demands. “Every time I ask you something that even veers towards being personal, you sidestep or plain fucking ignore it. It’s like you don’t actually trust me.”

“Maybe I fucking don’t,” Will spits out, “but can you fucking blame me? You’re the one who spent all of last year vacillating between making my life hell and ignoring me. I don’t owe you anything, Nurse.”

“You could let me in a little bit! Just let me know what you’re fucking thinking.”

“God, you sound like such a fucking fag.” Dex spits the words out before he even has a chance to think about what he’s saying, and it’s so surprising that he stops himself in his tracks. 

Nurse, for one, doesn’t freeze, and takes no time in saying, “You know, you’re just like them. You think you’re so much better than your family just because you’re gay? Well, I’ve got news, Poindexter: you’re just as mean, and bitter, and combative as the rest of them, and you can be just as much of a fucking prick.”

Dex is so angry. At Nursey, at his brother, at his parents, at himself, so he just walks out of the room, fists clenched at his sides, not even giving a fuck that his shoes are still under Nursey’s bed along with his missing sock, and that the ground is wet from the rain last night, so his feet are fucking freezing.

Before he can slam his truck door shut, he sees Nursey standing at the door to the rental house looking pissed. “Just so you don’t forget, Poindexter, I am a fag. But you know what? So are you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey remember how this story is about Will's internalized homophobia and all the shit that came with the way he grew up? Hahaha....yeah.


	10. Chapter 10

He’s said it before. 

He can’t even count the number of times he’s said it before. At school, at hockey practice in high school, with his brother, even at church. Even after he realized he was gay, he said it. He hardly even thought about it, it was just what people did.

He knew it wasn’t good. He’d been told by the more sensitive girls at church, but Dex was one of the guys. He didn’t care.

It hurt when he thought about it, but he didn’t care. 

When he was fourteen, he spent six months trying to talk himself out of liking boys. He tried _so hard_ to convince himself that he just wanted to be _like_ them. 

The way things were was fine for Dex. He was fine playing the part of perfect jock, paragon of masculinity and Christianity. It didn’t matter to him that every time he made jokes with his team, he was invalidating himself. It didn’t matter that he did things that made him want to vomit, cry, or punch something when he thought about it. 

It didn’t matter that the people he was desperately seeking approval from would have hated him if they’d known. He did what he had to do to keep his friends, to keep his family, to keep everything he’d worked so hard to construct.

Since he started at Samwell, though, he’d changed. Will had consciously made an effort to change, to stop. He wasn’t expecting it. He’d heard that Samwell was liberal, sure, but he was joining the hockey team. 

It wasn’t what he expected. He jumped into a world of acceptance and rejection of a lot of what makes up masculinity. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was different. Better. Will was better when he was with them. 

It took him six months to come out to them, to feel safe enough to trust them, but he was better with them. They made him like himself.

Well, Bitty made him like himself. The other boys made him feel comfortable enough to come out. And Nurse….

He and Nurse didn’t understand each other for a minute. 

It was stupid to think that they could just fuck and be friends and make it work without pausing for a second to talk about it. Dex knows that Nursey wanted more, and he still did it. He knew that he didn’t want more, and he still fucked him.

For what? To make himself feel better about the fact that he’s disappointing his entire family? To cope with the idea that his family might one day decide they don’t want him around anymore? To stop the constant feelings of “what if I just dated girls again?”

Dex straightens up from where he’s curled up sitting on the pier behind his house and pulls out his phone. His fingers find the contact before he can even think about it, really.

_“Hiya, Dex! I was just about to text you, actually! I found a new recipe for blueberry pie and you would not believe what-“_

“Bitty,” Dex croaks out, immediately stunning the older man into silence.

_“Dex, honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you safe?”_

“Bitty,” Dex repeats helplessly, “I fucked up.”

 _“Breathe,”_ Bitty prompts in a calm voice. It’s immediately calming, even though Dex still feels like he wants to jump out of his skin. _“Dex, honey, whatever it was, it can’t have been that bad.”_

“I called Nurse a…I called him an f-a-g.” Dex spells out the word because he can’t even bring himself to say it now. _Now, he has the problem with it._

On the other line, Bitty tries to muffle his gasp. _”Dex, how could you? You…that doesn’t even make any sense.”_

“It was just how people acted growing up.”

_”It was how people acted here, too! But you don’t see me calling my friends-“_

“We were fucking.”

Bitty makes a noise like the air’s been punched out of him. _”I’m sorry, I must have misheard you.”_

“You didn’t.”

_”You and Nurse were fucking? You barely even like him as a friend.”_

“I know. I know, and that’s what makes this whole thing even more fucked up.”

_”I hope you’re not expecting any encouragement from you on this, because I don’t know what to say, and I don’t think anything I could say would make you feel better.”_

Dex groans and covers his eyes with his hands. “I know.” He then decides he might as well make it as bad as it could possibly be, so he tells Bitty the whole story of how it happened. When it’s over, Bitty lets out a little sigh that sounds slightly less angry. 

_”Dex, how could you be so stupid? How could you just not tell me? I thought we were friends.”_

“We are friends. You’re my best friend.”

_”Well maybe next time, call me before you do something that could easily fuck everything up. I’m here for you, William. I care about you, and I want to help.”_

“Thanks, Bits. You’re the best, you know that? I…I love you.”

Dex gets a slight huff of laughter. _”I love you too, idiot. You’re my best friend.”_

“Even more than Jack?”

_”Lord, I do not need your teasing today, Mr. Poindexter.”_

“Sorry.”

 _”Don’t be. The more you tease me about it, the more I realize I probably have to actually deal with it at some point.”_ Bitty pauses and Dex can practically see him running his hands through the shorn sides of his hair-a nervous habit of his. _”But first, we need to deal with something else. You go back to Nurse’s right now and apologize. I’ll call him ahead to give him some warning.”_

“Okay, Bits, talk to you soon.”

_”You call whenever you need, sweetpea.”_

-

There has never been a moment in William Poindexter’s life where he’s wanted more for the ground to open up and swallow him than he does when he’s standing on the front stoop of the Nurse’s vacation home. He’s got his hands in his pockets while he waits, bracing himself against the ocean breeze. 

Nurse is here, even though he hasn’t answered the door to Dex’s three rings of the bell. His car is parked in the driveway, and Dex can see his shoes by the door through the glass. Dex is about to ring again, when the door opens. Nurse has his arms crossed against his chest and his eyes are slightly pink. “What do you want?”

Dex flounders. “Bitty said he’d call you.”

“He did. Maybe I just want to hear it from you.”

“I’m sorry.” Dex looks down at his feet and kicks at nothing in particular. “I was being a dick.”

“A massive dick. A homophobe. An asshole of epic proportions,” Nursey lists off. Dex might have laughed if this whole thing didn’t suck so much.

“Yeah.”

They stand there in silence before Nurse groans and grabs his shoes. He slips them on (without socks, which is disgusting), and elbows Dex as he walks past him. “Come on, Poindexter, let’s walk.”

Dex trails after him for a bit, while they walk down the hill from the house down to the ocean. The wind whips up his flannel and freezes him. He should button it, but he feels frozen. When they finally reach the shore, Nurse stands there with his arms crossed again, staring out at the water. Dex stands next to him.

“I’m not going to talk first,” Nurse says.

“That’s fair.” Dex stares out at the water for a good few more moments before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. “There’s no excuse for what a dick I’ve been to you.”

“Yeah.”

“In my head, all year, I was the good guy, and you were just this annoying pretentious rich asshole. When you started coming after Mormons, it made it even easier to see you as someone who just sucked.”

Nurse snorts but doesn’t say anything.

Dex sighs and runs a hand through his hair before immediately shoving it back in his pocket. “But the thing is…I didn’t try to get you, either. I just thought you were some privileged rich kid looking for issues that you didn’t actually have.”

“Yeah, well-“

“I was wrong,” Dex interrupts, “I was wrong, Nurse, and I think I’m big enough to admit that. I…you’re queer too, you know? Sure, you grew up in a liberal environment, but you’re queer too, so you get that. And you’re black…”

“That’s true,” Nurse says, “I am black. I know you don’t have a lot of experience with anyone above the shade of alabaster.”

“God, can you just shut up for a second?” Dex can feel his anger flaring again and takes another deep breath to calm it down. “You’re right. I don’t…know anything about that stuff. And I didn’t listen to you when you tried to talk about it. Ransom doesn’t really bring it up that much, so I guess I wrote you off as being dramatic. I’m sorry, Nurse, for everything.”

Nurse nods and brings his arms impossibly closer to himself, like he’s trying to wear himself as a shield. Dex can feel a reprimand coming on, can feel an argument or something coming, and he braces himself for what he’s sure he deserves. 

“I thought we were dating.”

That’s…not what Dex was expecting. “What?”

“We hung out all the time and were sleeping together, I thought we were dating. I thought you were my boyfriend.” Nurse laughs but it doesn’t sound happy even for a second. “It’s stupid, I know.”

“Fuck,” Dex says intelligently. “Fuck, we didn’t talk about this at all.”

“No we did not.” Nurse clicks the T at the end of ‘not’ sharply, like he’s trying to spit the words out. “Kinda fucked me up a little bit. Didn’t even know this wasn’t romantic until Bits called.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah,” Nurse says slowly, “You probably should be, dude.”

“I can’t have a boyfriend when I’m with my family. They’d hate me so much, and I’m scared of them,” Dex admits. “I just wanted to not think about them, and I wanted to feel like I did at Samwell.”

“And sleeping with the only other queer dude in a fifty mile radius was the way to do that.”

Dex laughs and this time it almost feels real. Not happy, particularly, but real. He turns to look at Nurse, finally, who has a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did,” Nurse agrees, “But not as much as this place fucked you up, I think. You’re not a bad person, Poindexter.”

“I’m not.”

“No. You kind of suck, sure, but you’re not a bad person.”


	11. Chapter 11

He's just about to take Daisy and Lily to Target to pick up things for their dorm at BYU when it happens. He's hardly even thought about his brother all day, which makes it that much worse.

There are only three weeks until the semester starts, and the closer it gets, Dex can hardly wait. Even if things are awkward/bad with Nursey, it's still better being around him than feeling like he's choking on everything that people aren't saying. And at least with Nursey they've been talking so that he can work on things and fix it. 

Here, at home, it's all awkward silences and consciously not talking about his life at Samwell. He can't talk about hazing, about kegsters, about streaking by the pond, and all of that doesn't even begin to touch on his dating life. He can't tell them about how his friends are the most amazing people he's ever met, and how they love him enough to call him out when he fucks up, and to love him when he hates himself. 

When he came out, he felt brave and powerful for a brief moment. He was finally doing what he'd wanted to do since he was fourteen and first started considering that he might be attracted to men. That feeling had lasted a brief time, and while it had felt good at the time, it was nothing compared to the feeling of coming out to the team and having them support him.

Knowing what that feels like now, Dex no longer can identify with the feeling of victory at the shock of his hometown and home ward, at them not having any words. It's not acceptance, it's hate; fear. He knows the difference now. 

Still, it's nothing he can't cope with. He can handle the sideways glances and awkward silences. Those things come with the territory. As long as no one says anything, Dex can be here. The good moments are worth it. 

This is a good moment. Daisy and Lily are fighting over a skirt's ownership and occasionally turn to him for support. They're fighting, but they're smiling. Dex suggests cutting the skirt in half, and Daisy calls him Solomon. Lily steals the skirt and puts it on over her sweats while they're laughing together. Daisy looks angry for a second but then rolls her eyes and stomps off good-naturedly. 

"Will, oh my god, did you see the video Bobby shared on facebook?" Lily laughs before going off to her bedroom to change. "It's really funny!"

Dex shakes his head and pulls his phone out of his pocket. The screen is littered with scratches and looks fairly beat up but it'll last until he's done saving up for a new one. He opens facebook and types in Bobby's name.

Nothing.

He checks the spelling, deletes it, and writes it again. Turns his data off and on again. Restarts the app.

Nothing.

Dex's eyebrows furrow and he clicks over to his friends list. He scrolls through, but Bobby's name isn't there. He opens messenger and the chat with Bobby is there but it's…

It's saying that Bobby is an unavailable user.

The way that his entire body goes cold and angry feels stupid, in a way. It doesn't mean anything. It's just Facebook. The fact that he's been blocked by his own older brother doesn't mean anything in the long run. It's just Facebook.

"Bobby, what the fuck!" Dex shouts across the house.

He storms into his brother's room and stands there with his arms crossed across his body. "You blocked me on Facebook. What the actual fuck."

"Come on, Will. Language."

"Cut the bullshit."

Bobby sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He's got the air of an adult talking to a particularly annoying toddler, and it sets Dex on edge. "Look, you're living your life in a…different way."

Dex shifts and puts his hands on his hips. "Yeah?"

"And I love you but you know what the church says about protecting ourselves and our values," Bobby explains like this makes complete and utter sense. Like blocking your only brother on social media because of his sexuality is a reasonable thing to do. Like Dex is actually something that Bobby needs to protect himself from. 

He's been trying so hard not to get angry at everyone. He's been trying so hard not to yell or scream because it always fucks everything up. He's calmer now. He's an adult. "I can't fucking believe you. I know you've got some kind of issue with me being who I am, but this is just ridiculous, Bobby. I'm your brother."

"What we want out of life doesn't match up."

"I'm not trying to make you be gay, that doesn't matter."

"I don't like seeing that kind of stuff on my timeline."

"What kind of stuff?" Dex is genuinely confused by this. He almost never posts anything remotely political or queer on Facebook.

"That picture your friend Justin tagged you in. The one with all the _rainbows."_ Bobby spits out the last word like it's poison, like rainbow flags and face paint is the most disgusting thing he can imagine. 

Dex knows what picture he's talking about, of course. Ransom just posted the picture the other day of the team at Samwell's end of semester pride club event. Since the semester is over before June, Samwell gets its big Pride celebration in May in the form of a Glitter Ball and block party that lasts the whole weekend directly after finals and right before graduation. Dex had gone a bit reluctantly, but it was intoxicating being around all of these people that were just like him. Sure, he was still settling into himself and figuring out how he liked to dress without societal pressures, and all that, but being around queer people who are absolutely unapologetic? It was probably the highlight of his entire freshman year at Samwell. 

In the picture, Dex is holding a bottle of beer in one hand and has the other arm around Nursey's shoulders. He's got a rainbow painted on his cheek and a grin so wide that his face hurts just looking at it. "That's it? I get tagged in one gay thing, and you block me?"

"It's not just one thing, Will. It's just the beginning. You and I both know that. It's just going to get worse, you're just going to go farther off the deep end."

"The deep end?"

Bobby rolls his eyes for what feels like the millionth time. It makes Dex feel young and stupid and angry. Maybe he is young and stupid and angry, but this feels justified. Bobby was his _best friend_ growing up. 

The silence hurts. The sidelong glances hurt. But compared to this? All of that is nothing. "I-" Dex starts talking but his throat tights up and cuts him off. 

"I'm not wrong."

"You are wrong." Dex's voice is thick and he feels so small. Bobby is wrong. He has to be wrong. Hating someone like this can't be right. Dex has spent so long hating himself and unlearning that.

_He has to be wrong._

Dex can hear his father coming down the hall before he sees him. Sam Poindexter fills the doorway with his broad shoulders and ruddy skin and general air of disappointment. "What's going on back here?"

"Bobby blocked me on Facebook because I'm…well, I'm-"

"Because he's gay and shoving it in our faces," Bobby finishes for him.

"I'm not shoving it in your faces!"

"Son, your brother has the right to control what he sees," Dex's Dad cuts in, "he can protect himself."

Dex officially has no words. It's one thing to hear his brother say it, because he's always been pretty open about hating it. His father, though, cuts even deeper. Dex was wrong. It's not just Facebook. It's a line in the sand. 

-  
Ending up in Jack Zimmermann's guest room (one of two) two weeks before the semester starts is not at all what Dex was expecting when he woke up this morning, but now it's 11:35 and he's hauling two poorly packed suitcases onto the bed so he can find his pajamas. 

It had all happened so quickly that Dex can't wrap his head around it. One second he'd been arguing with his brother, the next he was doubled over in the back yard throwing up everything in his stomach and calling Bitty because he couldn't be there anymore. They weren't kicking him out, but he couldn't be there. 

Bitty called Jack and Jack agreed to put him up until the semester starts. Dex got an email confirmation of a train ticket ten minutes later, and even though he was the one packing up and getting himself to the train station, it felt like the whole thing was out of his control. It wasn't until he had been on the train for twenty minutes already that he really felt it. He finally realized that he was out of there, and he didn't have to go back for the rest of the summer.

Maybe ever. 

Jack picked him up from the train station and Dex was shocked when he was immediately wrapped up into a hug by his former captain. Dex had been so shocked that he couldn't bring himself to hug back before Jack was moving away and clapping a hand on his shoulder with a half-smile and saying, "Let's get you home."

Now, Dex is standing in a bedroom that is nicer and bigger than any he's ever had all to himself in his life with almost everything he owns packed up in two beat up suitcases. 

"I'm ordering pizza. You're allergic to pineapple, right?" Jack pokes his head around the doorframe like a meerkat, phone held in his hand. 

Dex stares. "You remember that?"

Jack shrugs. "Yeah, I baked a lot with Bitty before I graduated."

"Well, I'm saving you from yourself anyways. Pineapple on pizza is gross."

"How would you know? It would kill you."

"There are times in life when you just pop a Benadryl and hope for the best, Jack."

This little quip makes Jack snort out a dorky laugh that honestly will never cease to surprise Dex. When he first met Jack Zimmermann, the guy was so serious and intimidating that Dex couldn't even imagine him laughing. Now that he's known him for almost a year, it's still surprising, but also really fucking entertaining and something that Dex really needs to chirp him more about. 

"Pineapple on pizza is good. Why does everyone always get on me about it?" Jack looks genuinely confused about it, in addition to his amusement.

"I don't know, man. But if Bitty doesn't like it, it's law."

Jack nods and looks almost totally serious about it. "That's probably true." 

Dex thinks that Jack will leave after that, but he actually comes into the room and stands with Dex in front of his suitcases, hands on his hips like he's watching tape intensely. The staring goes on for five seconds before he's turning and opening the drawers of the bureau in the room. "Okay, so I think we should put your sweatshirts in this drawer, tees in this one, and pants in the bottom. Do you have anything you need to hang up? I think I have some extra hangers in my closet."

"Wait, what?" Dex stops him. "We're unpacking my bags?"

"Well, you should organize your room at the very least," Jack says with that same crease between his eyebrows as when he was talking about pineapple on pizza.

"My room?"

"Yeah, you like…live here now, right?" 

Dex pauses. Does he live here? Is this where he's going to come on holidays? Is this where he's going to keep his things that he doesn't want to take to Samwell? "I…do you want me to?"

Jack shrugs and shoves his hands in the pockets of his basketball shorts. He looks like he's trying to make himself smaller. "Well, I don't really want you going back to your family while they're still treating you like this, and I have the room. I don't really need two guest rooms, and you'll spend most of the year at Samwell anyways. It's not putting me out or anything."

"Oh. Jack that's…that's really great." Dex shuffles in his spot. There could not possibly be two worse guys from Samwell to be having this conversation, and he's aware of it. Both he and Jack are distinctly uncomfortable with expressing tough emotions. "I can see why Bitty always says you're a great friend."

The mention of Bitty makes a slight flush flare up on Jack's cheeks and he rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah. Well, he's a great friend too."

"He really is. Kinda makes you feel lucky, right?"

"Right."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so wow! If it seems like I was projecting there a bit, it's cuz i absolutely was!!!! wow!!!
> 
> I might write more of this universe if people want it?????? Catch me on tumblr @fabbittle


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